Destruction to Construction??

Wish dat if i could do da part time job at d hotel, i manage 2 carry on wif my study as well...
Just need to add up some pocket money on my own without rely on my family neymore...
Im also hoping 4 a scholarship from jpa...
Nowadays dis country has so much financial problems, so im a bit worry...
Can i survive wif my sickness??
Moaning + Hoping = Wondering...???

BTW,
Da suckiest thing is.....
Da worst thing ever dat happened last 'weeks', was totally disasterS.
I will remembered those thingS 4 damn da rest of my life..!! (No need 2 b mention)
Food, weight, sickness, hosp, him, sorrowful.

I Love my family...
I love u FYK!! ( Have u ever realize dat really n truly??)
Gosh!
Im desperate.
In all conditions.
N i dont know y.

Fin.

Miss n Always miss...

I

Miss

Him

So bad.... :(

But im all alone wif myself...

Im so hurt... n cried a lot...

Nobody hears me..

Just me n myself...

Fin.

1st aniversary..

So Far....

So far,
I just lost 9 pounds/4kg in a week.... not a big number tho....
Gosh... i really cant wait to get thinner again...
All these lumps really make me look like a pig... A fugly pig!!
Its very obnoxious yet annoyin either.
Hmmm... yesterday was da laziest day ever...
I do nothing in dis hell house except 4 laid down watching movies all day long...
Yes, im a couch potato, u can say dat....
Hmmmm.... so far, i didnt loose any weight 2 days ago which is totaly break my hearts!!!!
My god!!! i really need to be 100 pounds n below 2 impress those fucking people dat always make me hurt by saying im chubby n bla... bla... bla...
Even my mother did said i gained weight n said im fat... Im not taking it serious,well.. maybe...
Comm'on... Is dat an insult or motivation mom...???!!!!
As a negative person ever on da planet, ofcourse i took it seriously... Is my mother!!! Hellow???
Rn't u suppose 2 support me??? U know, mums doesnt always know wats best.. (i'd read dis book)
Hmmm... Too much moanin n growlin these days.... I really need to loose weight....
Bcoz dats da d only thing dat i knew i can control rite now.

Gosh!! I really hate evry1 rite now... If ders any cliche words dat can describe my bunch of hatred feelings 2wards em!!!!
Owh yeah, there u go.... despise!!!! i despise em now!!!!
Is dat suits?? I dont care!!!
Hmm... cant wait 2 get out from dis house.. Its totally a hell in here..
I cant wait to have my own life!!!!
I wish i never born~

Fin!

34-25-33

Hahaha...
Thats just my goals~~~
Cant wait to be thin again...
Just few more lulu... just few more... Patience is very importants...
I just cant help myself... =)
Fin.

Thumbs Down!!!

I lost another 1 kg... heee.... Its two pounds man....
Geee.. im so into getting skinny again.. seriously i cant wait..
Hehehe.... Hmmm.. guess wat, i have dis debt which iz i dunno wen imma goin 'settle it down'..
Gosh!!! im so overwhelm wif my conditions rite now.
Im penniless... Im still fat~~ I still cant resist food!!! (seriously im cravings 4 McD, Carbonated drinks, soups, even da black pepper chkn dat i used 2 cook 4 my family!!!!)
Im not going into binging evry food dat delicious n yet undesireable yummy...
I need to stop dis crazy attitude.. of irresistable wen lookin at food~ =P
Yeah, 'u wish lulu,u wish!!!'
God... Help me... I really need 2 be skinny again... Pleezzz... (T_T)
The thing is, evry time im glancin at these foods, i gonna like saying "aahhh, nemind,ill just taste it"... Feww sec.. Then im droolin like a washing machine.. There u go, "Maybe a bite doesnt harm aite.." Then... i will stop n regret n thinkin bout binging... (Snap!!!!) I cant do dis...
N dats it, my sis got back from klcc dis evening n guess wat!!

Knock2(my room)...

Angah: Hey, i bought u somein', check it out urself..
Me: Urmmm... k... ( i get myself in2 da dining hall....)
Then... Buzz!!!!
Me: Nooo wayyy.... Fuck up!!!! Its a spicy chckn mcdeluxe burger wif fries n carbonate drink...

I bursted into tears of joy.. can u just believe dat.... My favoritee all da time!! How am i gonna resist dat!!!!!!

Me:Y r u buyin all theseee???? Im on diet ok!! I wanna loose 10 pounds dis week.
Angah:R u kiddin me?? If i dont buy 4 u.. then ull say dis n dats about how im negleting u...
bla..bla.. bla... N,bullshit. Dats not going 2 happen. I mean dat 10 pounds.. Eat up~
Me:K...
Angah: Neway, thanks!!! (sneer)
Me: yah,yah.... Thank you!!! (Damn..!! U just ruined my 'deeate'!!!)
Neway... just 4 2day.... Its not a big deal aite,aite.. (Gosh!!! i feel soooo fatttt!!!!!!!!!!!!)
Hmmm.... Sorry ana, mia n ed... I let u guys down... Puke??? Naaahhh..
* But ill think bout it~~~ =)

K,
Talk bout fat?? Checked!
Talk bout food?? Checked!
Hmm... Yeah, money?? Here we go...

Dis noon i got a msg from my fren n he said dat i have to pay his fren da sum dat id borrowed last 5 months in order 2 pay 2 my x-rumate, aisya. (becoz i borrowed her just 2 fly 2 ipoh meeting wif my cheating BF!!)I took about 500 from her n i paid some n left another 350. So, i was like so devastated as if i wanna kill myself so dat i will have no more probs now so as in da 'prospective' future!! Then, 1 day, she askd me da money, but i askd her 2 wait... untill she cant stand da fact dat im pausing her n keep stalling da period dat she already gave me... There u go... A full blast of curse word dat i still remember until now, which hurts me a lot until i cried into 1 of my bestie's arms dat nite at da library..

Da next day, i called my other fren, than he said he can help in condition needing me promising him to pay back asap... He borrowed it from 1 of his fren... Months goes by.... I still havent pay him back...N i was enjoying wif all da money i had from my parents despite from settle all my debt.. I always postpone my thougts wen it came 2 bank in da money 2 him..Then he msg me dis evenin after, my fren msg me, he said he need da money..So, i was asking him 2 delay again in order 4 me 2 figure dis out.. but he refused 2..
N... yeah!!! Dats serves me rite!!!!!!!!! Poor myself..... Hmm...
N i end up wif lying to my mom.. n dats wat i need 2 do rite... 4 survive...

Sometimes... I wish it wasnt me dat goin thru all dis thing....
I am pathetic...
Im sorry 4 my own self...
Wat can i do... Id tried 2 be a better person b4...
Ive been living by carrying my sins all these days..
Now u can tell rite, how am i goin 2 be happy again................

~Fin~

Only if u could see da tears in my eyes.. Im not faking... Dis is taken last year~

Kilos.. Pounds..

I really need to loose some weight!!!!!!!!
Im starving myself.....
All i ate dis morning is just a slice of papaya....
I really need dis.. to be thin again..
For dis past 4 years i keep gaining weight until 15 kg... (Im fat.. ) :'{

But now,
I think i just begin to turn into d old me.. an aneroxic person...
I begin to pick food.. wat i ate... n consume less input rather than output of exercises...
I have dis kind of phobic when i ate small cuts of food nowadays.
I mean, i know im starting to involve in dis aneroxic life again. I'm still sensible u see..
N da great thing is, i lost 3 kgs in just three days!!!! N im thrill + excited ~~~
Huhu... Cant wait to lost more... weee.. =D
Cant wait to be size 0 again since now im in size 2!!! i guess....

*Pray Hard!

~Fin~

These r some of my thinspiration tho~
Cant wait 2 be like em.

Hurt.

I always being hurt..
Wif all those people out there dat surrounds me...
N it tends to end up i hurt all da people dat i love so much...
Y is dis happening to me...
I was hoping ders always people dat i could turn to..
But all i found is always dead end n evrythng seems hopeless..
I have no one to talk too...
Not even family or my boy dat i can count on..

Family?
I love my family..
But im not sure if they really do love me..

My dad, we havent spoken to each others like ages.. He 'abandoned' me, i mean weve been living under da same roof since i got back from my sem break but in circumstances he didnt talk to me not even say hye... but i did.. i did say hye.. but no reply.. Hmm.... Ive cooked 4 da family but no sign dat he would ever touch those dishes.. N, wat am i suppose to say n feel?? ive tried asked him to eat b4, but he say no words. All he did was nooded.

My mom, i love my mom so much.... but i dont know. Ders lots of things dat i did behind her back.. I dont know how am i suppose to say dis, the thing is.. she put so much trust on me.. n i feel like i betrayed her.. I did all da bad deeds n bad stuff becoz im lonely.. N turn up filled da loneliness wif some1 else dat i trust. I know im stupid mom.. but.. u wouldnt understand.. I wish i was stillborn so dat i wouldnt hurt u once u find out wat ive done... Im sorry..

My sisters, do dey ever think dat im exist??

My boy, the love of my life (after my famaly).. keep hurting me.. my feelings' sore... Baby.. when ure gonna stop torn my heart apart into pieces n start appreciate me???? I feel so alone... I know ure good person.. But y me....

Im gettin sick evryday...
I dunno how 2 overcome all dis anymore..

~Fin~

Hopes

Is it going to be a new life or just a new start?? I dont know.. u tell me...

Life is hard..
Who ever says life is full of joy... happiness... must be smthng wrong wif em..
All these days, ive been living wif all da sadness n im thinkng if i could ever be happy again...
I wrote all dis wif all of my heart.. as well as da tears broke n rolling down thru my cheeks...
I dont knw wats da purpose of people create all dis blog stuff.. is it smthng commonly they do,to show off how miserable or blissful their lives r??? Or just exaggeratin smthng dat not seems like they use to be..?? Or even creating a fantasy life dat they couldnt get n to be living it in their life???
Is dat enough people??? Sharing things n show to others how ur lives n who u r...
Do u guys really happy wif all dis??? To know dat people knew everything about u n wat da hell is going on in ur world... Have u guys ever feel ashamed bout urself?? If u wanna talk bout ur life why dont u throw all da words in ur mind in a diary wer it suppose to be?? (like da oldies days??)

Y did u ever curse n talking bad about other people behind their back without even mention their names?? U make others dat havin low self esteem feeling bad bout themselves too...
Y do u need to hurt others only becoz ure being hurt by some1 else??
I used to feel sorry 4 people like u guys... U cant even talk to others on their face n ure even talk everytng bout urself n let da whole world knows how bad, bitch,boostful, show off n pathetic u n ur lives r...


But now...

Here i am.. talking all by myself n letting da whole world to know bout me...
Silly?? Stupid?? Moron?? Fool?? yes.. dats me...
I feel ashame, i feel so down, i feel everything...
Yes u guys r rite, maybe letting da whole world to know evry shit about us its not a big deal anyway...

Who cares??? Its us n ourself.. We try to fit in our own world while others dat in da surrounding cant accept, care or even knows about us better rite??
Perhaps, people like us only knows y we choose to create a blog...
No one can talk bout us... We own it... Our world is wif us.. We have da powers to control evrythng inside it...
Only we know wat have we been thru n we may want to at least some people out der to know how we feel while we cant talk to no else... n when ders no one could even listen n lend their ears
4 us...
Thats y we choose to do dis.. We try to spice up our lives wif our own way of style....

I use to wrote blogs before, but it never last long once i get wat i want in my life...
I only wrote it when i feel lonely n sad.. as like im doin it now...
Dats y i call dis blog hopes...
Hopes where ill share wif all of u.. No matter if im in sorrow, joy, lonely or great.. Ill try my best to always have hopes in my life...
Its way 4 me to survive n keeping alive...
Having hopes is like having a moment dat we believe we can achieve evrythng...
Dats y people do have hopes in their lives..
Becoz, they wish it will come true..

~Fin~